gwiggywig
by Amber the Placenta
Summary: James Bong wonders why stars
1. Chapter 1

James Bond roosted upon a meaty egg as he pondered the meaning of the star shine. As his mind drifted to early galaxies being born, a woman with 67 tits and 43.6 vaginas slithered into the room and shot milk into his mouth, recharging his brain to think the thoughts of the cosmos.

This woman wanted to tell Bond why crows have cloacas and refuse his dick, but she was cut off by a baby dropping out of her snaky cloaca. This baby crawled back up Bond's penis and dissolved into sperm to knock up the next generation of nagatits.

"Why do our babies always do that, Mr. Bon-"

"Shhhshshsh, don't talk, my brain is going to explode if you speak one more word."

Just then, Bond's skull opened up, and from it he birthed an entire galaxy, full of bodacious boobied blue-footed boobies who drive roofless school buses over the water while gunning down sea tarantulas who sell Boo Berry cereal made of meth to their eggs and get their chicks addicted to Boo Berry meth. But the boobies were too intelligent to hatch from eggs, so the physics of this world exploded and gave Bond a migraine, which made the sun cry and the grass turn to piss.

Bond blamed the death of his world on the naga bitch so he threw pieces of his eggy throne at her. She assimilated it to grow 78 more tits then smashed him with them. He turned to a puddle of sperm which took his form then hardened up like a Terminator amoeba. Bond laughed, then broke his penis off and slapped her with it. She took the penis out of his hand then threw it at Jupiter, which it killed on contact because every Walmart went out of business at once when she broke his dick off.

James Bond needed to return a defective grappling belt to Walmart, but now he couldn't because the Walmarts all crumbled to dust!

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, NOW I CAN'T REPLACE THIS BELT, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU FLOPPY WORM" Bond threw a hippopotamus made of razorblades at the naga, but she avoided it and turned it into a pile of laundry by glaring at it.

"Just make the receipt look like a K-Mart receipt, they'll take it back."

"You know I can't do that, I'm a man of the law."

Nagabitch looked down at her tits. They formed the word LAW.

They were both men of the law.

James Bond and Nagabitch married and populated a new world with their beautiful dickhole-born children. These children invaded Earth and killed all of mankind while the stars laughed while pissing in celestial shark tanks.


	2. Chapter 2

James Bond was tired of the sky shitting on his hair, so he shot Q with bullets made of rats which gave Silva a boner so massive it made every komodo dragon explode, and the entire UK turned into a gigantic vagina which swallowed Bond while naked chicks danced on guns made of guns in the 6th dimension which was nothing but guns and boobs.

James Bond exploded in the vagina void, shattering into boobs which budded like amoebae to become more boobs. The boobs assembled to form Eve Moneypenny, who screeched as Bond, now a parasite like a fetus crossed with an angler fish, scratched into her uterine wall coordinates to Planet 69.

On Planet 69, the mystical races known only as Ms and Qs thrived. The Ms, who dwelled on the northern hemisphere, were warlike; the females' boobs being chainsaws and their faces being made of adrenaline fire, and the males had 4 arms. The Qs were an intellectual race, except they had no hands, so they waged war on the Ms to steal their hands. The Ms retaliated with their boobsaws and flaming faces, until only one of each race survived, a Q who had stolen hands from a male M, and one female M who was old n shit. They fucked, making a hybrid male with only two arms but was otherwise an M. They named him Qareth Mallory, or QM, but he changed his name to Gareth after crashing his spaceship made of scorpion dicks on Earth. That ship is the reason why scorpions don't have dicks anymore.

The spaceship hit Bond on the head, and Bond hated scorpion dicks so he dropkicked it into Jupiter, which was fucking pissed so Jupiter bitch-slapped it back to Earth but it was sucked into a black hole where a whale made of potatoes and urine fucking shit the fucker back through the 9th dimension and up Bond's anus. Bond had over 9000 dicks up his ass, so he scratched the crust off the Earth, drank the mantle then beat the fucking shit out of the pitiful core with his dick, which he made an ass pie with!

Bond threw this ass pie at Silva, who sniffed it, stuffed it up his dickhole then laughed while he ass-vored rats made of cocaine and explosions. One of the explosions blew M's flesh out of her body, so her ghost became a DJ in another dimension while Satan pissed on peons and laughed his gnarly ugly-ass dick off.

Bond was tired of Satan burning beautacious blubbery boobies so he ripped a hole in time and killed every one of his past selves, then tore off Satan's wings and flew back through the temporal fissure rewriting history so he was the only Bond ever. He drank the blood of his former selves which granted him immortality. He flew into hell, ripped Satan's hearts out then slathered his cock in Satan's blood, curing it of all its STDs and making it so pleasurable, even the dykiest dykes will want to sit on that shit. Bond screeched as he returned to his dimension and impaled Silva's skull upon his super cock then ripped the brain out on it. He ate the brain with his anus then shit it out from his mouth on Moneypenny's chest while Q took shits of his own on the fabric of space and time, while laughing because there was a computer up his dickhole.

M's ghost has enough of this nonsense so she conjured 345,346,897 bulldog statues from the bulldog statue dimension then pelted the Earth with them. The Earth surrendered, her ghost possessed Gareth and made him crawl up a komodo dragon's cloaca, then she resumed her rightful reign as the spoopy ruler of MI6.

Then she invented Halloween.


	3. Chapter 3

Jaws gritted his steel teeth as he solemnly reminisced upon his foul and unrelenting youth.

When Jaws was born, he was not a boy but a hammerhead shark whose parents rejected him for looking like a triceratops pelvis glued to a mangled block of cheese. He was adoped first by crabs, then by squids, then by a snapping turtle named Gweedredp. Gweedredp was an alcoholic, her liver being nothing but filth and apprehension.

Unable to take the alcoholic rage fits of his chompy adoptive mother for any longer, Jaws ate her liver, which morphed him into a human form but with shark jaws still. Since humans are rejects of the wild animal community, Jaws had to adapt to human society, but humans don't have shark teeth, so he pulled his teeth and replaced them with the beartrap that killed his father.

Jaws shed carcharhine tears at his lost days of apex predation in the sea. Now he was but a blobface who not even an un-neutered dog could love, preferring to hump festering corpses in the sun.

James Bond entered his room.

Jaws was naked, and slathered in hot sauce and cockroach dung, to combat aging.

James Bond stole his youth mixture and his teeth.

Bond soaks in hot sauce and cockroach dung to retain his eternal youth to this day.


End file.
